Whether it's too late or not, I'm still sorry... I wish I didn't care, but I do.
My Mother; holy cow did she go overboard this year. But the good news for me is that the bedroom set will be paid off in no time, now! :D Can't wait to get it. Can't wait to finish paining (ceiling needs another coat, but is mostly done). Then for shampooing and hopefully all will be done for delivery! Yay!
And now I have new sheets, pillows, and a blanket for it! Thanks Mom!!!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Cleaning
Holy hell; what a slob I've been. I can't believe how much shit -- and the type of shit -- I've been throwing out. I've filled four trash bins. I need a damned dumpster! And while my living area looks fine, my bedroom doesn't even look like I've touched it! CRAP! And the basement; the half dirt one... yeah, whole other story. Granted, this is years of collecting miscellaneous things that may come in useful down the road, but if they're covered in four layers of dust, I'm assuming I don't need them anytime soon. So GONE!
It would be much easier if my roof was fixed. This leaking crap is lame. Can't use that back room for anything, and with the new bedroom stuff on its way, I need to. Guess I'll just have to move it back there and cover it in plastic for the time being. But that carpet will need to be replaced (and obviously, the ceiling that's falling apart). Hum. Well, once it's fixed, I'll discuss those things with Mr. Landlord.
Ok, bedtime (more or less).
It would be much easier if my roof was fixed. This leaking crap is lame. Can't use that back room for anything, and with the new bedroom stuff on its way, I need to. Guess I'll just have to move it back there and cover it in plastic for the time being. But that carpet will need to be replaced (and obviously, the ceiling that's falling apart). Hum. Well, once it's fixed, I'll discuss those things with Mr. Landlord.
Ok, bedtime (more or less).
Monday, December 15, 2008
Whatever.
Stupid "missing you" emotion. That one needs to be gone.
Doing fine. Getting shit cleaned. Throwing out shit. Can't wait for the new furniture!
Doing fine. Getting shit cleaned. Throwing out shit. Can't wait for the new furniture!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Gee...
I must have been mistaken. Big shocker, there. That seems to occur with regularity, lately. Whatever.
Sure am glad to be back to work; and the leaking roof saga continues. Better and better!
Will be better once these damned holidays are over.
Sure am glad to be back to work; and the leaking roof saga continues. Better and better!
Will be better once these damned holidays are over.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Um...
Ok, seriously... I don't know if you are reading this blog, since I didn't publicize it or know anybody had found it, but if you are, and if that was directed towards me, I have to respond. I certainly am not that narcissistic, but there was a lot in there that seemed like you were screaming at me. However, there are too many things in it that make me uncertain if it was, otherwise I'd be picking up a phone.
First; horse shit...on so many levels. Maybe you've misread what I've put up here, but it's just been my feelings and me trying to deal. If I'd wanted you to see it, and if I were playing with you, I'd have put it on Myspace. Further, there's really not much in the way of compliments in here...I really didn't think any of it was really that flattering, anyway. And if I were trying to make you feel better (which true, I wouldn't put that past me), I'd be saying how good I was doing and how I'm ok with things and how it's not your fault and be showering you with much more flattering compliments. Hell, I'd probably have texted you as much. I've been worried about myself and venting here, since I'm two hours away from my normal venting outlet.
Are you worth it? HELL YES. Period. Whatever gives you the impression I think otherwise is a misinterpretation of something. That comment in and of itself makes me want to slap some damned sense into you, even if that blog wasn't directed towards me. Not to mention the last line... what the hell are you thinking? Maybe you think your looks are the only thing you've got going for you for some ungodly reason -- maybe some jack ass has told you that based on their opinion -- but it's certainly not what draws me to you. Yes, you're attractive, but honestly, you're not what I normally would go for...I'm too insecure. What draws me is your spunk, your eyes, your smile and laughter, your heart, your touch and smell, your imperfection and failings, your kindness and even your bitchiness. Your description of yourself is inadequate. Your description of who you're looking for makes me smile. So are you worth anything I've been through. You are worth keeping, even as a friend, whether you believe it or not. I just have to do what I can to get over you at this point so that I'm not going through torture seeing you. So needless to say, you have far more going for you than your looks, you dumb shit.
And what the hell are you talking about in the way of competition? That's one of the things that make me think that blog entry was not about me. The only competition I ever experienced, if you want to call it that, was competing for your heart. You told me I lost that one. So I have no idea what that's even about.
Bottom line; I'm not playing games. I've never been any good at it. I'm not I'm not playing the musical communication game, either. It was cute, and I enjoyed it, but now I don't see much of a point. The songs have been selected because I like them, and yes, some reflect my present mood. But I'm not trying to tell you anything with them anymore.
I care for you, even still, but without more from you, I don't know what to say or what to do. I miss your texts and your calls and spending time with you. And yes, if nothing else, you should get from this blog that I'd still like to hear from you. I'm just not sure what I could say to initiate a conversation anymore.
In a way, I hope I'm wrong, and that you haven't found this blog. I never meant to cause you any more hurt. It seems like your self-esteem is lower than you let on, and I hope that's not why you don't see us going anywhere...I really hope it's not because you wanted get out while the getting was good; before I hurt you; because that was not going to happen (at least, not intentionally or in that manner). I feel bad enough about saying anything to anyone you knew. I didn't know the circumstances, but that doesn't excuse my behavior. I'm sorry; it's one of my few true regrets. I wish I could take it back, or fix it (and everything else), but I can't.
Be safe. Get out of bed. You're a good man and you are worth it.
First; horse shit...on so many levels. Maybe you've misread what I've put up here, but it's just been my feelings and me trying to deal. If I'd wanted you to see it, and if I were playing with you, I'd have put it on Myspace. Further, there's really not much in the way of compliments in here...I really didn't think any of it was really that flattering, anyway. And if I were trying to make you feel better (which true, I wouldn't put that past me), I'd be saying how good I was doing and how I'm ok with things and how it's not your fault and be showering you with much more flattering compliments. Hell, I'd probably have texted you as much. I've been worried about myself and venting here, since I'm two hours away from my normal venting outlet.
Are you worth it? HELL YES. Period. Whatever gives you the impression I think otherwise is a misinterpretation of something. That comment in and of itself makes me want to slap some damned sense into you, even if that blog wasn't directed towards me. Not to mention the last line... what the hell are you thinking? Maybe you think your looks are the only thing you've got going for you for some ungodly reason -- maybe some jack ass has told you that based on their opinion -- but it's certainly not what draws me to you. Yes, you're attractive, but honestly, you're not what I normally would go for...I'm too insecure. What draws me is your spunk, your eyes, your smile and laughter, your heart, your touch and smell, your imperfection and failings, your kindness and even your bitchiness. Your description of yourself is inadequate. Your description of who you're looking for makes me smile. So are you worth anything I've been through. You are worth keeping, even as a friend, whether you believe it or not. I just have to do what I can to get over you at this point so that I'm not going through torture seeing you. So needless to say, you have far more going for you than your looks, you dumb shit.
And what the hell are you talking about in the way of competition? That's one of the things that make me think that blog entry was not about me. The only competition I ever experienced, if you want to call it that, was competing for your heart. You told me I lost that one. So I have no idea what that's even about.
Bottom line; I'm not playing games. I've never been any good at it. I'm not I'm not playing the musical communication game, either. It was cute, and I enjoyed it, but now I don't see much of a point. The songs have been selected because I like them, and yes, some reflect my present mood. But I'm not trying to tell you anything with them anymore.
I care for you, even still, but without more from you, I don't know what to say or what to do. I miss your texts and your calls and spending time with you. And yes, if nothing else, you should get from this blog that I'd still like to hear from you. I'm just not sure what I could say to initiate a conversation anymore.
In a way, I hope I'm wrong, and that you haven't found this blog. I never meant to cause you any more hurt. It seems like your self-esteem is lower than you let on, and I hope that's not why you don't see us going anywhere...I really hope it's not because you wanted get out while the getting was good; before I hurt you; because that was not going to happen (at least, not intentionally or in that manner). I feel bad enough about saying anything to anyone you knew. I didn't know the circumstances, but that doesn't excuse my behavior. I'm sorry; it's one of my few true regrets. I wish I could take it back, or fix it (and everything else), but I can't.
Be safe. Get out of bed. You're a good man and you are worth it.
Wish it were me
I'm up and I'm down; seriously, I hate mood swings.
I feel bad for him as much as myself. I see his pain over someone else and wish it were over me. Wish I could kiss away the tears and frustration. I wish I could make him see I'm worth it. But I'm not even sure I believe that anymore, so how could I expect to convince him (or anyone else for that matter)?
The vacation has certainly been helpful. I feel better about things, though obviously it will take longer to heal. Shattered, but mending. Sad, but will live.
At least I can look forward to a fixed roof and playing with my AirPort Express when I get home, if nothing else. Woo hoo! :-/
I feel bad for him as much as myself. I see his pain over someone else and wish it were over me. Wish I could kiss away the tears and frustration. I wish I could make him see I'm worth it. But I'm not even sure I believe that anymore, so how could I expect to convince him (or anyone else for that matter)?
The vacation has certainly been helpful. I feel better about things, though obviously it will take longer to heal. Shattered, but mending. Sad, but will live.
At least I can look forward to a fixed roof and playing with my AirPort Express when I get home, if nothing else. Woo hoo! :-/
Friday, November 21, 2008
Why...
Why do I miss him? I shouldn't. I shouldn't care, either. I barely know him. Perhaps it's because I saw his heart and wanted to know him. Maybe there was something there that I thought meant something. Something important. Something real. But it no longer matters, and yet I can't seem to keep him off my mind. Vegas...Vegas was fun, but again, I thought about him more than I rationally should have. And then berated myself for it.
It's a good thing nobody reads this. It makes me sound more pathetic than I really am, or ever thought I could be.
Maybe I really am that pathetic....maybe that's the reason.
It's a good thing nobody reads this. It makes me sound more pathetic than I really am, or ever thought I could be.
Maybe I really am that pathetic....maybe that's the reason.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Adjectives
thirty; adrift; longing; forgotten; void; forlorn; lost; detached; stubborn; broken; vulnerable; pathetic...
but...
strong; survivor; determined; friend; brother; son; youthful; caring; loving; dreamer; giver; gentle...
content.
but...
strong; survivor; determined; friend; brother; son; youthful; caring; loving; dreamer; giver; gentle...
content.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Fu*k the world
Seriously, what a nightmare of a day. I can't win for losing. I can't do anything right, whether at home or at work. I need to learn not to trust people. I thought I had, but evidently I keep making that mistake. I hurt. I bleed. And what's it all for? Nothing.
I really want a surgery to cut out my emotions. I'm tired of feeling since all it ever is is pain. I want to be numb.
This will pass. It always does. But for now, I'm broken. I'm beaten. I'm sitting on the curb crying while the rain washes away the tears. Hoping for something more someday. Doubting it will come. Pessimism is taking over what was left of my optimism.
And I'm so tired of people telling me I have a choice as to whether to be happy or not. To a point, it's true, and I don't deny it. But living life alone takes its toll. Not having that someone to share your life with is like a daily root canal. Something painful, but nothing that can be done about it. I'm not ever going to be completely happy alone. I will be happy again. I will be sad again. Good times and bad. But I'll have no one to share that with.
Bitch session over. Not that anyone cares.
I really want a surgery to cut out my emotions. I'm tired of feeling since all it ever is is pain. I want to be numb.
This will pass. It always does. But for now, I'm broken. I'm beaten. I'm sitting on the curb crying while the rain washes away the tears. Hoping for something more someday. Doubting it will come. Pessimism is taking over what was left of my optimism.
And I'm so tired of people telling me I have a choice as to whether to be happy or not. To a point, it's true, and I don't deny it. But living life alone takes its toll. Not having that someone to share your life with is like a daily root canal. Something painful, but nothing that can be done about it. I'm not ever going to be completely happy alone. I will be happy again. I will be sad again. Good times and bad. But I'll have no one to share that with.
Bitch session over. Not that anyone cares.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Hobbies, etc.
Well, I broke down and bought a new video editing program. It's pretty ok, but of course, I wish it were better. But $70 is enough to fork over for one program (as much as I'd love a $500 one). Anyway, after much delay, I'm finally working on Hill & Ben's wedding video. Ugh...so sorry. Below is a preview.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Window Tinting!!
I'm finally getting my windows tinted in my Forester. It's been FAR too long coming! Was putting it off because I hate being without my car, but since Michelle bought hers (which I'm totally jealous of...she got all the features I wanted, the little shit) and left my old Swift here, I have an option. I have to thank Chris for picking me up today, and Hill & Ben for providing their taxi services tomorrow. :D I'll make sure and post pictures (though if anyone is actually reading this blog, I'll be surprised). This is the before pic at least.
I'm nearly done with the book club book. Should finish it tonight. I don't know where everyone else is on it; hopefully they're actually reading!! But alas, nobody responded to that inquiry.
I may start trying out my creativity on here. Problem is, my creative streaks hit me at weird times, so I'm not sure how I'll manage it. We'll see. Might be a good place to vent, too, since nobody will ever see it! ;)
Hum. Not much else I can think of just this second. I'm tired and have a headache, anyway.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Gee, how long will I update this...?
Well, I've updated the crap out of the book club site. Yes, I am reading two books at once. But I bought three at B&N the other day, and though I need to re-read The Codex series, I've been waiting for the conclusion to The Sword of Truth series for ages, so couldn't wait to start it. Hopefully I don't get too sucked into that and not finish the beginning of Tavi's epic adventure in time for our next meeting! :D
Otherwise, not much to tell (of course). Work is work...busy, but uneventful recently. At some point I really am going to clean my house. And go to the gym. And quit smoking. Etc, etc, etc.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I don't know about all this...
I suspect that I'll fail at this attempt, but am going to give it a shot. My life just isn't that interesting! But also, check out Ms. Fitz Book Club blog if you're interested.
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