Um...

Ok, seriously... I don't know if you are reading this blog, since I didn't publicize it or know anybody had found it, but if you are, and if that was directed towards me, I have to respond. I certainly am not that narcissistic, but there was a lot in there that seemed like you were screaming at me. However, there are too many things in it that make me uncertain if it was, otherwise I'd be picking up a phone.

First; horse shit...on so many levels. Maybe you've misread what I've put up here, but it's just been my feelings and me trying to deal. If I'd wanted you to see it, and if I were playing with you, I'd have put it on Myspace. Further, there's really not much in the way of compliments in here...I really didn't think any of it was really that flattering, anyway. And if I were trying to make you feel better (which true, I wouldn't put that past me), I'd be saying how good I was doing and how I'm ok with things and how it's not your fault and be showering you with much more flattering compliments. Hell, I'd probably have texted you as much. I've been worried about myself and venting here, since I'm two hours away from my normal venting outlet.

Are you worth it? HELL YES. Period. Whatever gives you the impression I think otherwise is a misinterpretation of something. That comment in and of itself makes me want to slap some damned sense into you, even if that blog wasn't directed towards me. Not to mention the last line... what the hell are you thinking? Maybe you think your looks are the only thing you've got going for you for some ungodly reason -- maybe some jack ass has told you that based on their opinion -- but it's certainly not what draws me to you. Yes, you're attractive, but honestly, you're not what I normally would go for...I'm too insecure. What draws me is your spunk, your eyes, your smile and laughter, your heart, your touch and smell, your imperfection and failings, your kindness and even your bitchiness. Your description of yourself is inadequate. Your description of who you're looking for makes me smile. So are you worth anything I've been through. You are worth keeping, even as a friend, whether you believe it or not. I just have to do what I can to get over you at this point so that I'm not going through torture seeing you. So needless to say, you have far more going for you than your looks, you dumb shit.

And what the hell are you talking about in the way of competition? That's one of the things that make me think that blog entry was not about me. The only competition I ever experienced, if you want to call it that, was competing for your heart. You told me I lost that one. So I have no idea what that's even about.

Bottom line; I'm not playing games. I've never been any good at it. I'm not I'm not playing the musical communication game, either. It was cute, and I enjoyed it, but now I don't see much of a point. The songs have been selected because I like them, and yes, some reflect my present mood. But I'm not trying to tell you anything with them anymore.

I care for you, even still, but without more from you, I don't know what to say or what to do. I miss your texts and your calls and spending time with you. And yes, if nothing else, you should get from this blog that I'd still like to hear from you. I'm just not sure what I could say to initiate a conversation anymore.

In a way, I hope I'm wrong, and that you haven't found this blog. I never meant to cause you any more hurt. It seems like your self-esteem is lower than you let on, and I hope that's not why you don't see us going anywhere...I really hope it's not because you wanted get out while the getting was good; before I hurt you; because that was not going to happen (at least, not intentionally or in that manner). I feel bad enough about saying anything to anyone you knew. I didn't know the circumstances, but that doesn't excuse my behavior. I'm sorry; it's one of my few true regrets. I wish I could take it back, or fix it (and everything else), but I can't.

Be safe. Get out of bed. You're a good man and you are worth it.